... 8 years later ....

 "You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live." ~ Stuart Scott

Well, here we are 8 years later and 5 years and 21 days after the passing of my Father, a man you would have all met from my earlier blogs on my journey through cancer. The man who supported me along with my Mum who is also one of my best friends. A man who, at the age of 74 had his first tattoo, a breast cancer ribbon tattooed over his heart. A man who, so desperately said "I wish this was me and not you going through this!" Sadly that wish came true, and on the 1st of May 2018 cancer stole my Father. Yesterday however, 22 May 2023 was the one day that I really, heartrendingly wished that my Dad was here to share in my utmost
joy, the day they told me at St. Vincent's University Hospital in Dublin, that I was now discharged from Oncology. 

I was and am so absolutely thankful, happy, emotional and the relief that I feel just cannot be described in words. At the same time, returning home, I sat alone in the sitting room and yes, looked at my Dad's photo,  I did see a glimmer of a smile and yes, I burst into tears. Because in all this happiness and relief, I wanted my Dad here to share this moment. I do feel and know that despite me wanting Dad here, that he is watching, he is besides me and he is sharing this moment and will share many more moments with me from the other side. As comforting as that is, as a human being, I want more. I want to laugh with him, hug him and go for a celebratory pint with my old man. But that, naturally is not to be. Knowing that, I now must continue on and going forward continue to make him as proud as I can. 

As I have stated, I really cannot describe how I feel. An example that will marginally describe how I feel is this - Imagine that you are getting into  your car after walking out of a job you have really detested and endured for many years, working with some of the most unpleasant people in the world, and that you are heading off to take a position in your dream job. Feel that relief, that happiness and that freedom. Feel that happy heart, feel that smile on your face and feel that lovely feeling of pure and utter joy. Feel that feeling of a crippling weight that you have carried for years being lifted from off your shoulders. Well that marginally describes how I feel. 

During the past 8 years so much has changed. There has been a lot of loss in my life. My grandmother the year I was given my diagnosis. Not long after my  diagnosis my Father's brother passed away, followed shortly after by my Mother in law, then my own Father and then my Mother's Sister.  Others who were diagnosed at the same time as myself with the same diagnosis of triple negative breast cancer passed away too. Like everybody who experiences a loss, these all hurt. The deaths of those from cancer though leave a scar. It felt wrong that they had passed, yet I could not let this get me down. I discovered that there is such a thing as survivors guilt. On saying that, I and many others out there, can not let this stop us from being us or stop us from living. The best thing we can do for all those who have passed, particularly if it is family, is to live our best life. To make each day count, because as we know, things can change in a heartbeat or on the toss of a coin. 

I know I have changed quite dramatically as a person since my diagnosis of TNBC. My focus was no longer my career, which had been a huge focus, along with being a good mother. I had to change my focus and adjust my target, aiming to return to good health. I still wanted to be the 'good mother' naturally, but one who had to take a temporary back seat while my new focus was to get where I am today, to be as strong as I could and to make sure I made a recovery so that I could still be here for my children and husband as well as for all my extended family. Concentrating on 'getting better', changing my views on some things and trying to remain focused and positive was the order of the day, and that is how it has been for 8 years. Yesterday, I reached that target. 

Driving home with this sense of newness and of well-being, the thought quickly sprung into my head, 'Well what do you focus on now?' I felt yesterday, and still do today, that this is almost like being given a new start, a clean sheet, a chance to achieve success in another area,  but what is that to be. OK, I still have to cope with diabetes, with arthritis and with the knowledge that more joints may need replacing in the long term, but these are mere blips on the horizon, areas that I will deal with quietly on a daily basis, and blips that I am not, under any circumstances, going to allow  to stand in my way. 

I have been reading a huge amount, studying esoteric subjects and delving into the world of the likes of tarot, meditation, spiritualism, nature and connecting with everything about nature, from woodland walks, to reforesting, from growing my own crops to foraging, appreciating the beautiful sound of bird song, braving and getting to like spiders, frogs, worms, woodlice and appreciating the actual good they do for us on a daily basis when it comes to looking after the earth. I am the aging hippy, that 'hippy' I was always meant to be. I have embraced me, my interests and my individuality. No longer do I 'surf with the crowd'. Gone is the gregarious, overly loud, party girl. In her place is the 'original' Elaine. The nerd I left behind because I wanted to be 'one of the crowd'. Oh, do not get me wrong, I do still go out for a pint every three or four weeks, I enjoy laughing out loud, I enjoy the odd glass of wine or two, however, embracing my inner nerd, bookworm, 'quieter' me, reinstating old hobbies and interests, such as tarot and art, reading and swimming, taking up planting and growing, baking, foraging and making produce from my foraged foods, has brought me peace, has brought me happiness, has brought me a focus. I am not longer embarrassed to be the bookworm, the 'weird' one with odd ideas, the eccentric one. This is who I always was and who I will always be, I no longer lack the confidence to truly be myself. I no longer people please and I no longer suffer fools gladly. 

My aim now is to continue my studies, to develop my cooking skills, to paint more and to get out there and swim in the rivers, waterfalls and the sea, and to one day, one day, if I work and apply myself with the strength, courage, belief and determination as I have over the past 8 years, become the author I have dreamed of becoming. 

I hope that the blog that I have kept going for this length of time, finds a use in this world, becomes a source of encouragement, humour and comfort to anyone who may need it. I want to thank every single person who has entered my life and supported me through all of, or for part of, this journey from the bottom of my heart, from those who joined me and stayed, you brave souls, to those who were here and left, for whatever reasons,  you all helped me so much and I will forever hold space for you all. I wish all of you, those who follow me on social media, those who read this blog, all my family and all my friends and acquaintances, and those who have nodded or smiled at me in acknowledgement, long, happy, prosperous, healthy lives. May you go out into this world and make your mark on it in a good way, filled with love, kindness, purity of heart and with a determination and strength that will see you through any and all trials and tribulations. 

On that note, here ends this blog!

Namaste my friends 🙏

"The Divine within me bows to the same Divine within you.”

"Life is not about how you survived the storm, It is about how you danced in the rain!" - Taylor Swift

A Catch Up to Check in and Tell You that Life is to be Lived and Loved!

Albeit I have already outlined my life post cancer, this blog is really  coming from the angle of how you manage to get into a new routine as opposed to 'what I am currently doing', although that will be touched upon (quite a bit too). I know I have blogged about my journey through cancer, and all the activities I took up, and  the wonderful people I had rallying around me. But what happens when treatment stops, Yes I have also covered this in the blog previously, maybe a little flowery and from an 'all is good' stand point, but what do you do when you find that you no longer have folk 'chivying' you along, everyone is back to their routine, life is carrying on for them, but you are still stuck, What do you do and how do you do it? Some of the information on this edition may be repeated or reworded, but this is how I tackled things when life just seemed to have gone and left me behind. When people moved on, when I realised I was no longer the same person that I was before the cancer invaded my life.

 

So, it has been four years and 11 months since the day I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. You would think, that four years post treatment, I would be more 'over it'. But, sadly that is not how it works. You see, once that cancer gets it's claws into you, you go through treatment, you watch new friend you met along the way die, you then see family and old friends die from it too, you start to think that this curse will never ever actually be 'over'. Oh it is all so easy to say behind folks' back "Ah well, you'd think she'd be back working" or "Ah Sure, she still talks about it!" or "Well is she cured yet or not?" The list goes on. But, once that nasty little scrote, called cancer, knocks on your door, shaking it off, it's aftermath and the aftermath of treatment is not at all easy. Your mind plays tricks with you, every ache and pain, every stiff muscle or niggle in the joints makes you want to run like an Olympian to you GP, Oncology team or for the hills. The aftermath buggers up  your head completely. It is as though, overnight, you go from being a very 'sound of mind' character (Well, so you thought ;) ) To being someone who has developed, what can only be described as, a 'cancer paranoia'. Yet although you live in the shadow of cancer on a daily basis, you cannot let it take over, and it could so easily do that. So what do  you do. Some folk return to work, others, like myself, do not have much choice and take early retirement. If you are lucky enough to be here and to go back to work then you keep yourself busy with your daily routine. If you are lucky enough to be here  take retirement, then you make a new routine. The latter is not at all easy, and it is from this angle that I am coming from today. 

So, how do you manage to get yourself into a new routine? 

This I must tell you now, is no easy feat. You see, saying you will start a new routine and actually doing it are two very different things. Seeking a new routine is difficult and can be quite soul destroying at times.  Here is how I actually tackled this problem, because yes, it really was a problem, and this did not just happen over night, I had very low days where I  stayed in bed for the duration of the day feeling very sorry for myself. It was on one of these days where I decided that this was just not good at all. Staying in bed because you are taking a 'duvet' day to chill and read a book or watch a film and nibble on snacks is one thing, but to start staying in bed and not eating or drinking because you do not feel that there is much to get up for is quite another thing and the slippery slope to depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. I had, had a couple of these days in quick succession and it was during one of these moments that I got up to drag myself to the bathroom. Whatever it was that stirred me, I do not know. But rather than just nipping to the loo, I turned on the shower and stood under it for ages - this is rather ironic as it was in the very same shower that I detected the cancer in the first place. I washed my hair and just let the warm water cascade over my head and down my back, and I had a good cry. I  gave my face a good scrub and got out. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror and thought "Good God Girl, you need to kop the heck on, this is not how  you are going to be spending the rest of your life!" and it was there that I told myself that the days of staying in bed were at an end. I was not sick, but I was sick of feeling so low, so alone, so sad and quite frankly scared. But what was I scared of? Yes, of course scared of the Cancer returning, but not being able to get into a routine scared me as I knew, that this sitting in the house doing nothing was not going to be the rest of my life, if that was the case then what was the point of being here at all? 

I dried myself and got dressed, stripped the bed and re-made it with fresh bedding, took the bedding down to the wash and then I sat with a pen and paper and started with one of my famous lists. I put a title at the top of the page:

WHAT I CAN DO, 

WHAT I WANT  TO DO, 

HOW I AM GOING TO ACHIEVE THIS,

HOW I AM GOING TO FIT THIS INTO EACH DAY!

You see, I have always had structure. I had always worked and for the previous 17 years that I had lived in Ireland I had taught in the same school. I had gone on to gain my Post Graduate in ASD and moved into special ed. I had taught children in a class for children with Autism for the last 10 years of  my teaching career. It all required a strict routine, it required organisation, it required thinking on your feet at times as no two days are the same in this type of classroom, it required patience and it required interacting and relying on colleagues (three who I will mention here as they played a huge role in helping me run the class on a daily basis and they were Gay G, Elaine C, and Maureen C. These ladies were my right hand women for a number of years and no amount of thanks will ever be enough for the support they gave me). You see together, we ran that class like clockwork, and this I missed so much.  I missed the simple act of getting up and actually going to work in the morning, I missed making my lunch in preparation for the day ahead, I missed the interaction with colleagues and friends on a daily basis, I missed doing a full days work and going home tired and ready to flop onto the sofa, I missed having that independence and I certainly missed the fortnightly pay check. 

My first task was to start, stopping the 'I miss this...' mentality and start looking at life with the attitude 'I am looking forward to that...' mentality. Again, not at all easy but very doable when you truly want to press the 'reset' button on your life. 

I made a list of everything my day currently consisted of and basically that was narrowed down to 'sitting on the sofa and doing sweet F.A!' - No wonder I was slipping into a depression. 

I then created a list of what I could do, now during my time in hospital, I had learned to paint and although I did spend some time painting, because I got myself into such a low frame of mind, all that came to a stand still. However I added it to my list anyway. My list went as follows:

What I can do!

• Paint
• Sketch
• Write stories and poetry
• Crochet/Knit
• Read
• Type
• Swim
• Cook
• Crafting

I created a list of:

What I would like to do. 

• Travel
• Learn more about myself
• Write a book
• Make a blanket
• Knit myself something
• Learn to relax
• Learn to accept my new life
• Mix with more people (I was becoming something of a recluse)

How I am going to achieve this and fit it all into my day!

I decided to make a realistic goal for myself and that first goal was to learn to accept my new life and learn more about myself. It was the first time as an adult and since the age of 21 that I had not been in either employment or education. As an adult, this 50 something person had had over 29 years of being either a student, employee, Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mum, Aunt, Teacher, Cancer Patient and now I was just Me... but who exactly was or is 'Just Me'? 

I decided first and foremost to make up a chart of daily activities, I actually went back to my school teacher tool box and made up a timetable for the day. If you choose to do this, you really do have to ensure that you stick to it, as it is so easy to wake up and say; 

"Well, do  you know what.... Today I just cannot be arsed!"

If you are in danger of doing that, make sure you have secondary activities to carry out, because at this point (and it happens) you have to push and persevere to keep to your routine. 

So ... The latest I was to get out of bed was 8:30 am. Ablutions done and get dressed. Make the bed immediately so that I am not tempted to get back into it. 

Do the housework (I am not a lover of housework so the sooner it is done, the sooner it is over)

Have a coffee mid morning, and a biscuit too if the fancy took you. (This was like first break in school)

Spend from around 11 to 1 on your own personal activity, I alternated this daily between painting, reading, crafting, writing, going for a drive out, walks either on the beach or in the woods.

between 1 and half 1 I made myself a small lunch. 

Half one I would timetable a different activity to the one I was doing in the morning, I would do this until about three (ish) and then I would stop and have a cuppa, usually a herbal tea.

I would then focus on what was for tea that night and start preparing the food for when my three men arrived home. 

But this 'funk' was not lifting as quickly as I hoped it would, and this fact alone was making me feel even more shitty and I did hit that wall where I wondered if it was worth going to the effort I was currently going to  or should I just become a couch potato for the rest of my life?  At this point in time I was developing the outlook that I had  been chucked onto the trash heap, I was no longer any use to anyone. What was the point of painting, knitting, crocheting, writing... FFS who was even going to read this trite???

It was also at this point that I met a lovely lady called Kathleen, who is the mother of a  lovely  young lady whom my youngest son Jim had asked to escort him to his Debs Ball. Kathleen had also gone through the rigors of cancer and all it's treatments. Kathleen went to meditation. I ended up joining Kathleen at these classes. Kathleen M. Thank you so much, as I have not looked back ever since. 

Meditation classes were so alien to me, the fact that I was lying on a mat on the floor in a room with complete strangers was also way beyond my comfort zone. However, going beyond my comfort zone was about to  open up a new world for me. My world, Me, My new life. 

Meditation and Me - On the road to discovering exactly who 'Just Me' is!

Anmchara Studio

I attended that first meditation class with Kathleen. There were a number of people there ready to begin the session. I really did not know what to expect. In all honesty, I had butterflies and was thinking "OMG, what if I fall asleep and start to snore?" The thought was making me feel the urge to do a U-Turn and head back out of the door, Yes, I am a loud snorer. Then I had images of me not being able to get up off the floor at the end (I have had both hips replaced and have broken my back in the past so lifting myself up off the floor is something of a challenge) I had visions of a crane or hoist of some sort being called for. This was my mind in a semi panic mode, this was not usually my sort of 'thing'. It turned out that my fears were unfounded and I actually had nothing to worry about. 

The Lady taking the meditation was Lisa. She made us all feel comfortable and at ease. These meditation sessions were guided meditations. The room was scented with sage and fragrant oils, mats were set out with pillows should you want one and rolls to go underneath your knees should you need the support. Each of us had a blanket too. What I now know to be the Devi Prayer was playing softly in the background, the pure peace and relaxation had me nearly nodding off before Lisa had really uttered a word. Gone was the apprehension and nervousness and in it's place was a rather comforting feeling of peace and tranquility. It was a level of peace that I had not felt for a long time. Lisa had started by having us introduce ourselves to each other before the meditation began, then we got comfortable and off we went. I listened to the words that Lisa was uttering and in an odd way, although I was awake, her voice seemed to sound further away. I was totally 'zenned out'. It was amazing. It felt as though we had only just started and it was time to 'come back into the room'. 

I felt, in a sense, a little strange, but strange in a good way. I felt lighter, I felt calm and I felt as though the following week could not come quick enough. I was now looking forward to the next session so much that it totally surprised me. At the end of the session, Lisa told us to look under our mats. She had placed an angel card there and read each of the cards for us. It was at this point that I learned that Lisa was a Medium who also read Angel Cards and I was fascinated. 

I had a foray into the Tarot when I was about 18 years of age, but had not heard of Angel cards before. Curiosity got the better of me and I asked Lisa about the cards and Medium-ship. As luck would have it, Lisa was running a beginners course in reading Angel Cards and Introducing us to Mediumship. I, naturally being the shy and retiring type, signed up immediately. I felt myself being drawn to this quite naturally and knew that I may have just found my new niche in life. 

I was now attending weekly meditation sessions and also attending weekly Mediumship and Angel Card reading classes. It was something that I was utterly enjoying and something that seemed to be coming to me very naturally indeed. During this time, I had decided to dig out my old Tarot deck. I began to spend my days studying tarot, joining in online classes and learning more about tarot from a historical angle, not just from a divinatory point of view. I started practicing reading tarot for others alongside reading the Angel Cards. Our classes came to and end for the Summer, so while I waited with anticipation for the summer to end and our classes to begin again, I delved further and deeper into Tarot. At the end of the summer, the Mediumship and Angel Card classes resumed. We worked our way through the different course levels and at the end had to perform mediumship readings on people from the general public. This was something that not only blew the people away who came for a reading but the level of accuracy blew me away too. I was so excited to know that the feelings and things that I had felt in the past were real and that this gift had always been there, it just needed someone to shine a light in my direction for me to discover it. For that I have Lisa to thank, had I not joined her classes, I would not be in the seat that I am in now, feeling that this 'new me' is exactly who I was always meant to be. 

I have gained a number of certs through a number of different courses that guide you in your knowledge and understanding of Tarot, but to read intuitively, that is something that each person has to work on by themselves. I am not sure that intuitive reading can actually be taught, you can teach the 'mechanical' aspect of tarot such as the given meanings of the cards, the historical background and the role symbolism, numerology, astrology, runes etc play in tarot, but when it comes to intuition that is when you have to listen to you, you have to trust you and you have to know that what  you get is genuine. I also feel that my earlier forays into this esoteric world had given me a good foundation on which to build and build I did. In just under 5  years  I am now a member of the America Tarot Association and have worked hard on bringing my tarot up to scratch.  I have my own YouTube channel on which I review different card decks, I have my own Tarot reading Facebook page where I carry out card readings from Angel, Oracle and Tarot decks. I am also the proud owner of approximately 200 different decks too. This is something that I have had to work hard on, it has been a long process and one that I do feel will be a life time of learning to come, there is always something new to learn or something different to add to a reading. 

Getting to this stage has been a little bit like setting up your new routine, you have to want to do it, you have to need to do it and you have to trust that things will not always 'be like this' when you are in that negative place. Know that once  you have set out a plan, given yourself a new target to aim for and strategies as to how  you are going to achieve this target, you begin to slip into the new routine.

 

Lisa and Michelle

Now, about the other items I had on my 'What I would like to do' list. Well I have visited every county in Ireland and am now starting going around for a second time, going off to visit to all my favorite places. I have a half completed knitted jacket (admittedly it has been 'half finished' for the past two years), I have the bones of a crocheted blanket I started on , I am on chapter 12 of a book I am hoping to one day complete... and...  As for finding me, I think we can chalk that one down to being well on the way to being discovered. I am now looking forward to starting my Level 1 Reiki Course this next week with a an inspirational Lady called Michelle. This will be a whole new chapter and another string to add to this growing bow. 

Before I go... Meet the two new loves of my life, Sally and Sammy. They joined our family in October of 2019 and have kept me on my toes ever since. Pets ... who would be without them? I have also added photos of some of my divinatory activities. Until next time people. Stay healthy, happy and as stress free as possible. 

Sally and Sammy

Using cards, dice and dominoes as divinatory tools

Tarot De Maria Celia (a Marseille deck)

The Celtic Tarot

Creating my Tarot Grimoire

Studying Tarot: Tarot on Earth by Tom Benjamin

Your Life is Your Story, Write Well, Edit Often!

A brief overview of this last 15 months.

It is 15 months since I last wrote on my blog. It is 15 months since we lost my Father to cancer. It has been a tough time for us all trying to learn to live without our Rock. One of the sayings that has turned out to be one of the largest lies ever told is that "It gets easier with time!" No, losing someone does not get easier with time. What we do is learn to live with it by developing our own coping strategies. It has been difficult to manage not only because of the loss of Dad, but watching our Mum having to carry on without her Husband and Best Friend. Thankfully we are a very close family and Mum has the support of not only her children and daughter and sons in law, but of her grandchildren too. Mum is our rudder, and her strength and her determination has been phenomenal, as she has not only had to carry herself, but she has been there to help us all to carry ourselves too. My Sister and Brother have been remarkable and are there at the drop of a hat should Mum need anything. I travel home every three to four weeks and spend a few days with my Mum. We have all had to get used to living a 'new' normal. Dad would be very proud of us all. 

How has my life changed and moved on over this very tumultuous past 4 years?

This September the 2nd will mark the 2nd full year of being in the 'Safe Zone' of cancer. Having discussed being given the 'all clear' with my consultant, I was told that the all clear is a little way down the line as with me having had triple negative cancer there is a much higher chance of it coming back within the first 5 years after chemo than most other cancers. In another 3 years time, the percentage of the cancer returning drops dramatically and falls in along the lines of those who have had other cancers. At the mo, I am treading water quite nicely.  I have since developed Type 2 Diabetes, and have been put on Victoza. This is a daily injection  slows down my pancreas when it comes to digesting food. This means I stay fuller longer. My weight is dropping nicely (slowly but nicely) I am a stone lighter at the moment. I have to attend the liver clinic ever six months as all the meds from the treatment of the cancer have caused me to develop NAFLD (Non alcoholic fatty liver disease) despite all this my blood sugars are normal and as far as I am aware everything else is in fine fettle too. 

Now, retirement... How have I coped with that? In all honesty at first it was Ok, but soon became a bit of a nightmare.  I was 47 when I was diagnosed with cancer, 18 days off my 48th birthday. The ensuing battle raged and then at the age of 50 I felt that I had been thrown on the scrap heap, having to take early retirement. I guess unless you retire early through choice and because you can afford it, being made to retire because of ill health really does knock your belief in yourself. It makes you feel that you are no longer any use  anymore to anyone. This has a knock on effect on all aspects of your life. You do feel like your life is merely an existence and that  you are not making any valuable contribution to society. So how did I deal with this?

I took my interest in painting to another level and I learnt to work with clay, resin and silicone creating resin coated paintings, necklaces and earrings, and making Orgone Pyramids. I buried myself in books and took to writing quite a lot of poetry. I have continued with a book that I started writing but it is still a work in progress. All these were keeping me busy for a while, then I seemed to crash mentally and emotionally. I lost the will to paint, write and draw, I lost the will to read and felt as though I was drowning. It just seemed to hit me that this was all my life was now. No matter how 'tough' you think you are, or how well you have come through difficult times, when you spend so much time on your own throughout the day, your mind can start to 'harass'  you. You think of all the 'What If's'. You worry about every little niggle and ache, you play the scenarios of how things could possibly go and how they could have gone, which creates havoc with your emotions. You begin to feel isolated, alone and depressed. You can start to cry at the drop of a hat.I would equate it to a form of post traumatic stress disorder, almost like a delayed reaction to everything negative that has occurred in your life. 

Not long after these feelings began to  occur, I was lucky to meet a parent of one of my Son's good friends. Kathleen Monaghan introduced me to Lisa Elmas who runs a meditation group. I never in a million years thought that meditation would be something that would appeal to me. In my utter ignorance, I associated meditation with 'the pot smoking hippies' of the 60's, or with religious zealots who meditate through prayer. I never associated it with Elaine Murphy, former fun loving life and soul of parties, practical joker, loud, beer swilling, joke telling tomboy and school teacher. However, I went along and I have never looked back. Through meditation I learnt to relax. I learnt to let go of my fears and worries, my aches and pains, my sadness and my emotional hurt.

Besides the meditation group, I also started to attend a group that Lisa ran which was all about learning to develop your abilities as a Medium and reading Angel and Oracle cards. This may all sound 'pie in the sky' sort of stuff, but it opened up a whole new life for me. For my entire adult life I have always had a huge interest in the paranormal, now I had the chance to delve deeper into areas of interest that I had not had the opportunities to do before, and so it all began.

Meditation has been a huge help since the loss of my Dad. I firmly believe that he kept his promise to me and that he is with me and all of us on a daily basis. Meditation had helped me keep my focus, has helped me deal with hurt and anger, has helped me to try to help my family through these tough times too.

Previously, at the age of 18, I had started to read the Tarot cards, this was an 'on/off' affair and as life took over my cards were resigned to the bedside cabinet drawer and were taken out whenever I felt I needed a little bit of advice, piecemeal really.  However, I took steps to returning to Tarot and  learning to read the tarot cards far more effectively, this time on a very deep and meaningful level. I have since gone on to not only read the cards and gain recognition as a tarot reader and completing a number of very interesting courses, but to also learn about the history of tarot along with understanding how Runic Symbols, Christian Hermeticism, Kabbalah, Astrological Symbols, Numerology and many other contributory factors have had influences on the tarot and its development over the centuries, I have developed a great affinity with the tarot and belong to a worldwide circle of tarot lovers and readers alike. Joining the American Tarot Association was the icing on the cake.

Reading the tarot has helped me to help others too. Reading and seeing how the information they receive from these readings helps them, has once again made me feel that I do serve a purpose being here. It has made me understand that there was a reason for the things that have happened. Every step of the way has ensured that it has lead me down a path where I have found the 'Me' that I am today . Oh do not get me wrong, I have found part of the 'Old Me' in my rediscovery of my sense of humour, my fun loving ways and my occasional beer or two. I am back working in my art room that doubles as my tarot reading room and I have rediscovered my love for reading and writing. I see beauty in all I see, I am more positive and on my bad days (which I do get from time to time) I focus on looking for the positive, regardless as to how hard it may be at the time, and yes, this does get me through.

People, Places and Occasions!


There have been some good times had with people who have been here to support me during this last 4 years, but particularly the last 15 months. I do not want to go over too much old ground here, as you are all aware as to how I have managed or not as the case may be through the journey of my own cancer, but other than putting up a blog on the sad loss of my Father, I have taken the last 15 months as a break to get my own head around how life has changed so much. Albeit that I am a 52  year old woman, married with children of her own, It did not stop me from feeling like a very lost 'little girl' when Dad died. The strength of feelings of utter devastation that comes with such a loss is indescribable.


I gave you a very brief insight into the kindness of  Ger, Pauline, Tamara and Noleen who had a star named after my Dad. We took a drive out to a peaceful place called Victor's Way in Roundwood. It is a secluded walk that takes you from one sculpture to the other. They are very interesting to say the least. The day was warm and sunny and we were talking and laughing as we headed to the start of the pathway that lead us round the walk. Before we started on the route the four girls and I sat on some benches under a tree where they presented me with the certificate naming Dad's star. It came with an informative map that helped me to pinpoint the actual star. It was such a lovely, thoughtful and kind act that it drew tears from me. I was so pleased to have this support. We continued on with our walk and marvelled, smiled, laughed and even scratched our heads at some of the sculptures. We returned to the start after a couple of hours and explored the small shop, where anything you buy is totally based on trust, you take your purchase and post your money into a secure box. I purchased 5 small wooded trinket boxes, one for each of us to remember our day at Victor's Way. We called to a Public House called the Woodpecker in Ashford on our way home and had a lovely lunch. It truly was a memorable afternoon.

Not long after this I was hugely and pleasantly surprised by a visit from two of my oldest school friends Andrea and Martine. Andrea now lives in the UK and Martine lives in South Africa. Martine flew from South Africa and Andrea from the UK. They had synchronised their flights and arrived in Dublin Airport within an hour of each other. It was fantastic to see them both. It was over 36 years since we last saw each other as children in Boksburg High School, Leeuwport St, Boksburg, Transvaal (now Guateng). It was absolutely unbelievable how we all got on so well together.  We spent the few days they were here visiting as many places that we could. We spent a day going around Dublin on the open top tour bus. There was a trip to Wexford, then visits to St Patrick's Well here in Arklow, The Arklow Pyramid, Kilpatrick Beach and a chill out here in our home. It was relaxing, remarkable and wonderful. Sadly all three of us have lost our Fathers all from very similar, if not the same thing so both Andrea and Martine were utterly aware of what we were all going through and their support was so welcome. We keep in touch and, please God, we will get together again in the not too distant future. Friendships across the miles, and the strength of them enduring all these years is remarkable.

Gerry and I were very proud to attend our Son Jimmy's Graduation from BIFE, where he gained his QQI 5 in Carework. He has chosen a career route that will aid him further down the line to go on to further study and perhaps one day his nursing. This is still very much in it's infancy as at 19, Jim is enjoying his work as a carer of elderly people, and may in the future continue to take this further, however there is much he still would like to achieve. He is a very determined young man and has worked so utterly hard to get where he is today. Jim kept his promise to his Granddad and remained in his studies.His Granddad was definitely with him on his special day.  He achieved what he aimed to achieve and it took him a huge amount of hard work. He is a dedicated young man who, right now, is in the exact place he wants to be. We could not be prouder. This was another occasion that had his Mum and Dad quite watery eyed.

There was the Dip in the Nip, something I took part in last year, June 2018, and raised money for cancer research in the memory of my Father. I took part again this year and managed to match the sum I raised last year.  On both occasions the days were beautiful. The sea was rather cool but the fun, laughter and air of madness about it all got you through the Baltic like temperatures of the Irish Sea. This year one of my neighbours joined me and we met another lady there who had arrived on her own. The three of us banded together and had such a great day. We have arranged to meet up for next years event too. Something to look forward to that is for sure.

Gerry and I took time out and went up to Belfast for the weekend. It was part of our bucket list trip of visiting every county in Ireland. That had been put on the back burner for a while, while we dealt with all the blows that life was dealing us. We had a great time. The black cab tour around all the historical places of interest was amazing. We visited so many different places and the cab driver who drove us around was friendly, informative and full on knowledge on all the troubles that have happened in the North. We had a great time enjoying the company of people who are distantly related through marriage in the Rock Bar. It was welcoming and also an establishment that has such a deep history. The photographs on the wall there as proof of all the difficulties of the past. We have spent days visiting gardens and places of interest locally that we would not have thought of visiting before, there is definitely some truth in the saying that we do not appreciate what we have on our own doorstep. Days at the beach, walks through Ashford Gardens and attending the Ashford agricultural show. September 2018 marked the first full year of being, in what I believe to be, remission. In four weeks time I am keeping everything cross that this September will mark the 2nd year of being in the same state. If not, well I will just have to pick myself up, dust myself down and get my act together to deal with whatever comes my way. However, I do have a good feeling about this one.

Joe and I flew of to Krakow just before last Christmas. We had an amazing visit. Not only did we visit the Christmas Markets, but we did so much more. We visited Auschwitz and Belsen Bergen. Two WWII extermination camps where they wiped out many Jewish people, Polish Jewish people, Gypsies, Homosexuals, a Catholic Priest, Men, Women and Children indiscriminately. The sadness in these camps, along with the feeling of pure evil is palpable. Never ever should these atrocities be forgotten. Once we do that or once we try to deny that all this occurred, we are in very grave danger of Man's inhumanity to Man rearing its ugly head on a major scale. Joe and I also visited the salt mines, took a trip through the Jewish quarter on what can be described as an over sized golf buggy, walked through the Jewish Quarter and found ourselves a rather nice pub where the manager was very generous with his free samples of anything Polish to drink. We found some lovely steak restaurants and had Tomahawk steaks, Joe bough himself a beautiful winter coat and we found Planet Hollywood too. We went for a few days and will hopefully travel again. I know it bit Joe's travel bug desires.

This last year and a half, we have all carried each other through what has been the worst times of our lives. Now we are managing to slowly gather ourselves together and walk this new road, side by side. I am so thankful for all my family and friends who have and do walk this road with me. Who when I am feeling low, listen to me. Mum and I get to spend at least a week together once a month.  We share our thoughts and on the odd occasion tears, but doing this we are guiding and helping each other get through some tough old days. We try to do something different on each visit. We have visited the theatre, ridden on the Great Orme tram, eaten out and had so many laughs. We enjoy good food and the occasional glass of wine... or ten... lol.  We were so delighted to share a very special occasion with my Nephew Andrew, who against many hurdles, kept his own promise to his Granddad and achieved his BSc(hons) in Computer Software Development. He went up with such pride to receive his graduation. He wore a pair of his Granddad's cuff links on his suit shirt along with the pocket watch his Granddad left for him. Not only did Andrew look handsome, but he looked so truly proud, as proud as we all felt of him. Tears of absolute happiness filled all our eyes as we clapped for him as he went up for his degree. I can truly guarantee that my Dad was beaming down with pride as this remarkable young man went up to accept the acknowledgement and reward for all his hard work and achievements. Well done Andrew.

Fun on the Farm

Approximately a year after my own cancer diagnosis, one of my dearest friends, Julia, was herself diagnosed with cancer. She has had a very difficult battle over the last few years, yet she has kept her amazing cheeriness, dry sense of humour that has me laughing like there is no tomorrow. You may recall that you will have heard of Julia in an earlier blog of mine. Julia and our mutual bestie Hazel, travelled over from Wales to visit me in St. Vincent's hospital in 2017, when I had been admitted with Sepsis, Pneumonia and Neutropenia. Little did we know that Ju was next on the cancer 'hit list'. Julia has a small holding on which she has reared three sheep, two rams, six ducks three hens, five dogs and a cat called Gitto. With this beautiful menagerie, Julie barely gets to rest properly or get time away, so Hazel and I decided to become 24 hour farmers so that Julia and Nick could have a night away. Well let us just say for the record, that I had a moment of madness and mistook the rams for goats... yes I know, I have heard all the jokes and taken all the ribbing possible. You see, Hedley is a male sheep, that I had stored to memory as a ram minus horns, so I automatically assumed that the horned beasts in the field were massive goats.... I blame chemo brain... Our experience was in all honesty wonderful and would I do it again... yes, in a heartbeat. Thank you Ju for trusting us and letting us experience being farmers, even if it was just 24 hours.

Live the Dice Life

Recently my friend Tamara and I decided to have a bit of an adventure. We chose to allow a dice to dictate what we did for 24 hours. We rolled the die as to find out who was driving, rolled the die to find out where we were going, rolled the die to choose the activities we were going to do and rolled the die to choose the type of day it was going to be. It was quite an adventure. We headed off to Co. Louth and booked into the Flynn hotel in Termonfeckin. Our task was to shop in charity shops and explore antique shops. We visited every charity shop, and I was very lucky to find three tops and a jacket that I fell in love with. Yes it was my first time charity shopping and I have fallen in love with this past time. We had spare time to we visited the art gallery and Milltown Museum in Drogheda. We chilled that evening with an Indian meal and a couple of Gin and Tonics. We left the next morning and stopped at Ikea on the way home. Never make purchases in Ikea without getting measurements. Two of my three Ikea buys have now been turned into items for my art room as opposed to my hallway and kitchen.

Looking Back

As I have said many times that this last 15 months has been very hard going. My family and I were not the only family to have lost loved ones in this time. 7 days before my Dad died, Ben Mulpeter, a friend of mine, passed away too. He passed of exactly the same as my Father and joins both his Mother and Father who only passed away one and three years before him. The poor man was only in his 40's and far too young to have been taken from this world. Then Dad passed, following Dad, Gerry lost two friends, Scutcher and Sabber Delaney. Sadly they join their other brother Jos in heaven. The Doyle family lost their Sibling Michael, once again to cancer. Another is Billy Hughes, a friend of my Father's. These are only a few as I know there are more that should be added but right now the names escape me. With the exception of two people on this list, all the others have passed away from cancer. Why is this? Why is this disease so rife now? It is now a case that it would be very rare to meet anyone who has not been affected by this scourge. May all these people here along with my Dad Roy, Rest in Peace. May they watch over us all and help to guide their loved ones left behind here on earth.

None of us here will ever forget our loved ones, but we do have to look to the future, look at how life has lead us to where we are and where we intend to go with what we have. We have to learn to slough off negativity and to find the beauty, peace and love in our days. Granted this is not always very easy, but it is doable for the majority of the time. So look forward, learn from the past, and be the best possible version of  yourself that you can be. There is far too much negativity, hate and mistrust in the world. Let us try to do our bit to get this world back onto an even keel of positivity, kindness, tolerance and caring. The world is missing a lot of this these days.

I will leave this with you all now and hope that each of you reading this will find some sort of help or guidance from it. I hope that whoever is reading this right now, this blog finds you and  your families in good health and happy. Wishing you all 'just enough' in this life, enough love to carry you, enough strength to get you through hard times, enough money to keep the wolf from the door, enough of everything to make life an easier road. Until the next time People. xx

That scourge knocks on our family door once again.....

Dad, as I sit here and whisper "I miss you" I believe that somehow  you can still hear me!

This addition to my blog has been written in memory of my Father, 

Roy Joseph Botfield Snr. 

My First Love, My Forever Hero, My Father

12 March 1941 - 1 May 2018

Rest in Peace Dad

Having only posted a blog in March, it is with great sadness that I am blogging once more to reveal how that cursed cancer has knocked on my families door once again. This time it had no mercy. 

As you are aware from my previous blog, We, that is, my Husband, two Sons, my Parents and I, returned from an amazing holiday to Bali, Singapore, Bangkok and Vietnam at the end of February. Five weeks after returning from our adventures in Indonesia and the South China Seas, my wonderful father was taken ill. He was admitted into hospital and after a few days was told that there was a lump/shadow/lesion/mass/patch/tumour (They could not decided what it was called at this stage) located at the base of my Dad's brain.

 After much deliberation and waiting for news from one specialist or another, they finally agreed that my Father had brain cancer. Unfortunately because of my father's heart, they were unable to do a biopsy so were unaware as to the exact type of brain cancer. They also stated that from the way it was presenting it was a very aggressive cancer. 

Six weeks after being admitted into hospital and five weeks after they first spotted this 'thing', on a Saturday morning, the consultant from haematology  came into Dad's room in the hospital and spoke to us all. He confirmed that my Dad had Cancer, of which type they did not know, however from the rapid deterioration in my Father's health and well being, it was evident that it was extremely aggressive and was a secondary cancer with the primary more than likely being a lymphoma that had, in all likelihood, attacked his central nervous system. Due to the fact that no biopsy could be carried out and the fact that Dad also had now been diagnosed with triple valve coronary disease both surgery and chemotherapy were ruled out. In fact, there was sadly nothing more that could be done to eradicate this bloody cancer from my Father's body.

We all sat there with my Father in what can only be described as a stunned silence. The consultant asked if we had any questions, and each of us asked something. I asked how long my Father actually had left. We were told anything from three to six months, however if it had attacked Dad's central nervous system, possibly less. Dad, being strong, brave and practical, accepted this news with the words "You Win Some and You Lose Some!" 

Daddy died two and a half days later. Very peacefully surrounded by us all. He quietly and peacefully slipped away, and it broke our hearts. 

The only consolation that we can take from this, is that my Dad did not linger and suffer, as so many have done before him.

You will have read all about my father in my earlier blogs, how supportive both he, my Mum and my Sister and Brother were of me, along with my husband and children and how they all dropped everything and crossed the Irish Sea to be with me many many times throughout my own battle with cancer. 

You will have read about and possibly watched the clip of when my father revealed his tattoo to me... A man who disliked the colour pink, had a complete aversion to tattoos... and who went out and had the breast cancer ribbon tattooed above his heart. I will never forget the words Dad spoke to me that day he revealed his new inking "You have your scars that you have to carry forever Lainey, I will carry this scar with you, I will always carry this with you!" Yes, I did cry... a lot. 

This was the sort of man my Dad was. Supportive, not allowing you to be alone in the darkest part of your life. He kept his own council on many things, but when he spoke, we all listened. Dad loved us all dearly and we loved him too. In fact, I don't think a day went by when we spoke or met up that we never told each other that we loved one another. Dad was fair and treated us all equally. He was a loving and supportive husband and very much a protector to my Mum. Basically, Dad was our rock. 

One of the last things my Father said to me was as I was leaning over him and placing a kiss on his forehead "I will always be in there with you, always" as he tapped my heart. "... And I will be with you too Daddy, always" That was only about three days before he died. Dad knew things were not good at all, yet I just kept saying things like "Don't be daft, we will have you better and home in no time!" Perhaps it was just because I did not want to believe that I was losing my Dad. 

I believe that my Dad truly is here in my heart, he is giving me the strength to type this blog,  he gives me the strength to get through the day when in all reality, I just want to remain in my bed and cry. He appears in my thoughts and more often than not it is with a memory of something funny we shared and a smile does appear on my face, and a giggle might escape, but this is rapidly followed by a few quiet tears, as it hits me that those times are now memories and no new times will be shared. I believe that Dad is somehow also giving me the strength to begin to slowly adjust to this new and lonelier way of life. 

Grief is so strange, it hits you in tidal waves and knocks the stuffing out of you without warning. You can be fine one second and crying the next. It is a pain that is quite frankly, indescribable. It is a pain that I hope eases in time, I know I won't ever get over the death of my father, neither will it be easier. I will just learn to live with it, and adapt my thought process and emotions to continue on every day. After all, I have to be strong for my own children and husband. I have to be strong for me, and as a family we all have to be strong and supportive of each other. It would also drive my father wild if he knew it was crippling us and stopping us from carrying on. 

My friends have been amazing, and have been a strong support. Two of my friends and colleagues actually journeyed over to Wales and attended Dad's funeral. That is something I will forever be grateful for. My friends here in Arklow had a star named after my Father, so whenever I gaze at those skies I will feel him looking down and smiling. Looking at me, shaking his head in wonder saying... "Bloody hell, what is she up to now?" And, he may well ask that, as last weekend I joined 2505 Women strip off and run naked into the Irish Sea to raise money for Children's cancer. I did this in Memory of Dad. My Sister in Law and my two youngest nieces took part in the Run for Life. They  ran 5 miles in 39 minutes and did this for both myself and also in memory of Dad. So, from above, Dad is keeping us all very busy to say the least. 

My Mother, Sister, Brother, My Brother and Sister in Law, my Husband, my Children, My Nephew and my Nieces will always hold Dad in our hearts. He was a very loved and adored man. Kind, a loyal and honest friend, a man of strong morals and the best Husband, Father, Father in Law and Grandad that any family could ever want. We will always miss you Dad. 

Our hearts were broken 

When you got the call

God took you home 

and it broke us all.

You were our rock

Our protector and our guide

In whatever we succeeded

You always shone with pride.

When cancer came 

and rocked our world

You were a huge support

Your superhero status unfurled

You disliked pink

and Tattoos too

Yet a pink breast cancer ribbon

You had inked on you

This pink breast cancer ribbon

Was tattooed across you heart

You said "I will carry my scars with you,

I will always play my part!"

Those were the words you spoke

I will forever them recall

You were always there to catch me

Should I ever start to fall.

That curse'ed cancer,

Yes, it called again

This time it left us 

Crying out in pain.

It sneaked back in 

Like a thief in the night

It took you Dad

It snuffed out your light.

You carried me

When I wasn't able to

I am so sorry Dad

That I couldn't carry  you.

My heart is broken

My tears wont dry

I sit each night

And often cry.

I want to hold  you

Oh Dad I do

I struggle to cope with not

Hearing and seeing you.

How do we travel 

This lonely road

With a heart so broken

With such a heavy load?

You made me a promise

One I hope you can keep

To be in my heart always

Whether I am awake or asleep.

Give us your strength

Please guide us from above

Help us to always remember

All the fun, joy and love. 

For my Dad by Elaine Murphy 1/6/18

I have blogged my way through my journey with cancer. I have shared with you how life changed dramatically for me career wise. I have not only shared the trials and tribulations of this journey, I have also shared the fun, the laughter, the holidays, the adventures and the new paths my life has taken. I have introduced you to my family and friends who have been there and supported me along the way. I wanted to share with you this sudden and unexpected loss in my life  as cancer has once again appeared. This time taking my Dad. The man who has been there for us all always. 

We miss you so much Dad. Rest in Peace Dad until we meet again.